Tuesday, August 6, 2013
Yes, I Feel Sorry For Myself
Sooo I went to Spruce Meadows this past weekend.
I went because I had entered Kort in Agility & my Scenthurdle team was competing on Sat. night. I went because I didn't want to sit at home & cry, because I knew I would do that, knowing everyone was at Spruce Meadows, & Kort & I should have been competing. Instead I went & cried there, I cried driving to the show site, wondering why I was torturing myself :( Once I got there & walked around a bit I was ok, we set up my tent & then it was time for Scenthurdle. I boxloaded the whole night for my team, the first time I have done that all night! It was fun. I made the decision to let Kort run in one race, the last race, the jumps were 6" . I needed to let him play, I needed it for myself as well. He seemed fine, I hope he was fine. My team rocked! We won every race & came in first over all the teams!! Yeah us!
The day of the Agility trial was different. I was sad, it was hard to be watching the dogs compete in the class I should have been in. I am bitter, yes bitter. I have a 5 yr old dog that may not ever jump again,. Some people will "get" how I feel, some won't. I can't believe how many people have said to me, "well at least he doesn't have cancer, or at least you still have him" This really annoys me, why does your dog have to die before you get to have feelings of grief , sadness & bitterness. I am not a stranger to dogs dying , I have had many dogs that I have laid to rest over the years. I know grief, so why can't I just be sad, why do people feel they have the right to say that to me? Maybe because I put my feelings out there for everyone to read. Maybe that is why they feel they have the right to say things like that to me, I don't know.
Then there is Tate , it became very evident that he is old this weekend. He does not adapt to new places as well anymore, he has the beginnings of cognitive dysfunction & it hurts me to see it, it hurts so bad I want to scream!! I hate this, I don't want him to be old, I don't want to think about loosing him.
My new puppy will be born in a couple of weeks but between worrying about Kort & Tate I just haven't been able to enjoy the process :(
I should be crazy excited, but instead I am more worried about the 2 that I have.
No one said having dogs would be easy, I can't imagine my life without dogs in it, but still , having dogs just hurts so damn bad some times :(
Posted by onecollie at 10:17 PM