Tuesday, August 6, 2013

Yes, I Feel Sorry For Myself

Sooo I went to Spruce Meadows this past weekend.

I went because I had entered Kort in Agility & my Scenthurdle team was competing on Sat. night.  I went because I didn't want to sit at home & cry, because I knew I would do that, knowing everyone was at Spruce Meadows, & Kort & I should have been competing. Instead I went & cried there, I cried driving to the show site, wondering  why I was torturing myself :(  Once I got there & walked around a bit I was ok, we set up my tent & then it was time for Scenthurdle.  I boxloaded the whole night for my team, the first time I have done that all night!  It was fun.  I made the decision to let Kort run in one race, the last race,  the jumps were 6" .  I needed to let him play, I needed it for myself as well.  He seemed fine, I hope he was fine.  My team rocked!  We won every race & came in first over all the teams!!  Yeah us!

The day of the Agility trial was different.  I was sad, it was hard to be watching the dogs compete in the class I should have been in.  I am bitter, yes bitter.  I have a 5 yr old dog that may not ever jump again,.  Some people will "get" how I feel, some won't.  I can't believe how many people have said to me, "well at least he doesn't have cancer, or at least you still have him"  This really annoys me, why does your dog have to die before you get to have feelings of grief , sadness & bitterness.  I am not a stranger to dogs dying , I have had many dogs that I have laid to rest over the years.  I know grief, so why can't I just be sad, why do people feel they have the right to say that to me?  Maybe because I put my feelings out there for everyone to read. Maybe that is why they feel they have the right to say things like that to me, I don't know.

Then there is Tate , it became very evident that he is old this weekend.  He does not adapt to new places as well anymore, he has the beginnings of cognitive dysfunction & it hurts me to see it, it hurts so bad I want to scream!!  I hate this, I don't want him to be old, I don't want to think about loosing him.

My new puppy will be born in a couple of weeks but between worrying about Kort & Tate I just haven't been able to enjoy the process :(
I should be crazy excited, but instead I am more worried about the 2 that I have.

No one said having dogs would be easy,  I can't imagine my life without dogs in it, but still , having dogs just hurts so damn bad some times :(


manymuddypaws said...

You already know that I understand how you are feeling. You have a right to be upset and sad. Until it has happened to you, you have no idea how it feels. And no one can tell you how to feel or not to feel.

That said you are right in that you opened yourself up for comments by posting on social media. People are entitled to their opinions and don't often think about how it may come across. Often they think they are being helpful....

So take what people say with a grain of salt. Think less about that. And more about what you need in order to move forward. I know from experience that it is pretty devastating and will take some time to process.

And yes. Tate is aging. Quickly. And it is sad. Its sucky that they get old so fast. But now that you see that you can really start enjoying him more in his old dog ways. Cherish each moment and build up even more memories because you are going to need them later.

I'm always here for you Jo.

Squishy said...

You grieve all you want Jolene. You have every right to and no one can tell you how you should feel. I have to agree with everything MuddyPaws said, as when you do post on somewhere like FB (and I think it's WAY worse than our blogs) people say stuff we maybe don't want to hear or don't agree with. There is nothing fun about losing a 5 year old dog's career when he looks fine. It sucks and then to have Tate age quickly, that is really hard too. Things are tough for you now and you will figure it out. The puppy will be exciting but if it's not now, don't beat yourself up. I always get a little sad when I have a litter, because it always changes things and relationships with my other dogs, so I get what you are talking about. Be kind to yourself and if you are sad, or mad or incredibly depressed, you have every right to be. Ok??? I love you. And I love Kort. And Tate. And Perkins (or, and Brad) and your mom.....and your new puppy in the belly!!! Oxoxox ~ D

onecollie said...

well you two made me cry! waaaaaaa!
I have the best friends, thanks guys :)

Dianne SS said...

You certainly do have the right to feel all the things you are feeling and to grieve and be sad, disappointed, and angry. And you have the right to have those feelings for as long as it takes. This is one of the parts of connecting ourselves to other living beings, whether they be other people or our pets. There can be wonderful moments of joy, happiness, and satisfaction, and then there are the times where everything seems to fall apart and our hopes and dreams are dashed. It takes time to come to terms with hurt, disappointment, and sadness and it takes time to find our way through all that and come to another path.

I am sad to hear that Tate is aging more quickly now. He is the sweetest dog. I had a dream about him a couple of nights ago--I was giving him a bath in my bath tub in the bathroom! He was a perfect boy! Lavish all the love and time on him that you can so you will never regret not doing so. It's a lot like caring for aged parents--I will never have regrets that I didn't do more for my mom or spend more time with her. I gave up a lot and put my life on hold in many ways, but I would do it again.


onecollie said...

awww thank you Dianne ♥
I can't believe you had a dream about Tate! hope that is a good omen :)