Tuesday, August 12, 2014
Depression is a nasty sneaky disease, I hate it. I have dealt with depression since my 20's , although I had no idea. I just thought I was a thinker, a worrier, and that I just took life too seriously. As I aged , it got worse, sad thoughts, dark thoughts, swirling in my head. Still never thinking depression. I can see it now , clear as day, but I couldn't see it then.
I met Brad when I was 33, Brad was diagnosed in 2006 with Bi Polar disorder, so that was 13 years we were together that I had no idea what was wrong with him. The episodes of craziness & depression, it was overwhelming for me but I never had time to think about myself, I was too busy worrying about Brad.
I remember going to work, getting there, and I would burst into tears as I just didn't want to go through the day, I wanted to be home, sleeping, just wanting to be alone, going to work meant putting on my happy face and pretending all was well with the world, dealing with customers, it was exhausting!
During this time my dad's Parkinson's became worse and my mom had to put him into care at one of the hospitals. I was beyond sad, I couldn't bare thinking of my dad in there, away from his family, feeling abandoned, it was a very difficult time for me.
We moved to Lethbridge in 2007, I had to leave my business, my friends, my family. I was alone here except for Brad. During that time Brad had 2 episodes of depression himself that needed him to be hospitalized. His last episode had him out of work for 15 months. I was the main money maker, even that wasn't enough, I had nothing but anxiety and worry for almost 2 years, building on top of my already existing depression.
Also during my first couple of years here my sister was diagnosed with stage 4 cervical cancer, my dad died, and my mom had a stroke. I also had a cousin die of a heart attack, he was only 49.
Brad returned to work in July 2013, some of the weight was finally lifted from my shoulders. In August last year, I hit rock bottom, everything just caught up to me, I couldn't function at work even without having many episodes of crying. Thank goodness I worked with a great group of girls, they knew what I was going through and helped me as much as they could without judgement.
Then in November 2013 I had my car accident, that was the last straw, I was done, mentally and physically. Not only am I still recovering physically but I am still trying to recover mentally. I had absolutely no idea just how depressed I was until I was forced to stay home. To this day I can't think about going to work, I have many good days, but I still have just as many bad days.
I am slowly letting my friends know I suffer from depression, even though on the outside I look like a happy bubbly person, underneath there is still a black cloud lurking, making me sad , and sometimes not allowing me to go out of the house. It is hard, people don't understand, they say, just get out of the house, you'll feel better, that might be, but you have to realize the effort I need to put forth just to get myself out of the house. My dogs are a life saver, walking them helps me like nothing else, I just go out, I don't need to talk, I just walk, thank God for my dogs ♥
I am not sure when or if I will make it back to work, I still have days when I just cant leave the house and I don't care what people think, I am finally going to look after me and focus on the fact that I have a disease and that disease is depression. I will not be embarrassed by it anymore. I will face it and I will deal with it in my own way, with my Dr's help of course :)
So my advice to you is, never judge anyone, you really have no idea what is really going on in their minds and behind closed doors, be kind to people, as much as you can, your words can have a profound effect on their day.
Posted by onecollie at 1:06 PM