Tough Week

My goodness this week has been very difficult.  We have lost 3 really great dogs, only 1 of which I knew personally , but the other 2 belonged to people who are important to me, therefore I hurt for them.

Of course it hits home a bit more strongly for me right now as I myself will be facing that dreaded decision in the next while.

On Friday Judi lost her German Shepherd Token, she was very special to Judi and I know it is difficult for her, Amanda sent her the following picture and message which I think is just beautiful.

Today we lost 2 special dogs, one belonging to my dear friend Diana in California. He had been sick for sometime now but it still doesn't make loosing him any easier, Good bye sweet Sea B

Ch Entais Seabiscuit

Lastly Kerry died today, he and his brother Jack had a special place in my heart.  They came to the daycare where I worked, you may recall I posted about Jack's passing a couple of years ago, well today it was Kerry's time to cross the bridge and see his brother again.   I did go to the daycare a few times to visit with Kerry after I stopped working there, but I hadn't seen him in a few months, I wish I had, I truly loved him.  Here is a picture of him on his 15th Birthday taken by the girls at the daycare in March, Good bye Kerry, say hi to Jack for me ok

I leave you all with the wise words of Dr Seuss.......

Don't cry because it's over,
Smile because it happened. 

Tate Tate Tate

Tate on his 12th Birthday, April 11 2014

 Stubborn old fool ! Tate is the most independent dog I have ever owned, nothing wrong with that until you get to be 12.5 years old though!

He insists on sleeping downstairs, which means going down 2 flights of 6 stairs, he has hardly any co ordination in his back legs anymore, so you can imagine how he does this!  I just don't watch, it's too scary.  If  I "make" him stay upstairs he just paces and paces and paces, so he gets his own way.
What goes down must come up however, this takes anywhere from 5 to 15 minutes, he circles, tries a stair, goes back down, circles, tries a stair and goes back down, over and over until he gets it just right.  Why don't I help him you ask?  Well because he is a stubborn, independent old dog of 12 .5 years old lol!  He WILL NOT allow any help, if I try to help he bucks, backs up, spins or just generally panics, so again, I walk away and don't look, he eventually figures it out.

Another problem with this is he either has to go down 6 stairs, or come up 6 stairs to get to the door, sometimes if it takes too long he just does his business on whatever floor he is on, this morning he peed downstairs, brat.  I bought a steam cleaner this year as this had started at the beginning of the year.  He was pooping in the house, the peeing is new. It breaks my heart, really, everytime it happens I cry,  but I comfort myself thinking he probably doesn't know, or remember he has done it.  I don't want any stress in his life and he has always been a clean dog, never messing in the house, even as a puppy .

I have also added rug to our stairs just for him, he likes it !  Well at least I think he likes it :)

Tate continues to live in the present as only dogs can do.  He is eating well, enjoys his short walks, still wags his tail at me, which I watch for.  I hate knowing that there will be another seizure eventually, they are so hard to watch.  Hopefully he will be with me for a long time yet.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!

I feel like screaming, every second of everyday!   I have been fighting this for at least 2 months, told my Dr about it last month and I am waiting to see another Dr/Phycologist at the end of this month.  

I call it anxiety, but I don't know if that's what it is, it is all consuming and upseting.  I don't even know how to describe what it feels like.  It's a gnawing below my breastbone, like you feel when you are scared.  It's like I am on edge , on constant alert.
I want to cry it is so bad.  For the most part I fight it, I occupy my mind so I have no time to think  about it, I walk, alot, like all the time, if I am not walking I am reading, driving, singing, whatever it takes to stop it.  
Today I have decided to write about it while it is happening.  I just soaked in the tub for an hour, I seemed ok, then bamn it hits me when I get out.  I really can't take much more of it, I am afraid I'll go crazy.
I am so good at putting on a happy face,   but sometimes I can't.  So my friends that are reading this, sometimes I just can't do stuff, I want to , but I can't , be patient, I'm working on it.

Speaking of working on it.  I have been researching Essential Oils to use on myself and the dogs.  I have just started with wintergreen and lemongrass for Kort, I have Frankincense coming for Tate when he has his seizures, and lavender for myself for anxiety and insomnia.  If I notice they help I am going to look into selling them myself, I hope they help.

Well that's it, another installment in the secret life of Jolene :)

Update

Another from Tate's 12th Birthday, April 11 2014

A day after Tate's seizure and he is doing well.  Yesterday was spent sleeping except for coming up to eat and me making him go outside to go to the bathroom.

Today as I was making his breakfast I had decided that if he continued to not participate in the household goings on that I would start getting ready for "the decision" .  With tears running down my cheeks  I was putting things together in my mind.  I looked down to my right and guess who was standing there? yup, The Tater Dog !   He had come upstairs and was waiting for his breakfast,  thank you Tate for sparing me my thoughts . I called my vet but she is away for a few days, I wanted to tell her about Tate's plugged nose during his seizure, and to ask about his Valium.  The vet that was there called me back and assured me I could up the Valium with Tate during his seizures.  We were being conservative because of his mutant/mutant MDR status.  

Tomorrow Tate is officially 12 and a half,  realistically I doubt I will have him past 13 , so 6 months. It is hard to put into words how I feel knowing he has 6 months or less.  I could be wrong, Collies have lived past 13 years, but not many, so everyday is a special one, for Tate I don't take any of them for granted,  Tate is hugged and kissed and told he is loved every single day, actually many times a day,  he will know nothing but love until it is his time.

Number 4

Tate's 12th Birthday, April 11 2014, taken by Amanda

At 4 am this morning Tate had his 4th seizure, 78 days after the last one.  This one was brutal, I held him in my lap while he yelped for over an hour , I was calm, calmer then all the others.  I told myself it wasn't pain, at least this is what everyone has told me.

He lost bladder control for the first time and peed twice, I was sitting in it, with him in my lap, his head held tightly against my chest while I told him it was ok and he was safe, his momma was with him.  After the first hour and he wasn't stopping I gave him another half of a valium, right or wrong I didn't care, we were both exhausted.  He would also stand up during all this, well, "attempt" to stand up, I had to support his back end totally as he had no control of it.

I didn't like the sound of his breathing, it was like he had a plugged nose.  It is gone today but I need to ask my vet about it, I hope it wasn't fluid around his heart.

Today  he is tired, sleeping mostly but has been able to go up and down the stairs to go outside and to eat.

Fingers crossed for another 78 days seizure free, or longer.