Sunday, December 7, 2014

Reflections

Tate, Christmas 2007, our first year in Lethbridge, and the last year he would be "an only child "
For the last 4 hours or so I have been gathering Christmas boxes full of ornaments and decorations. I have put lights out on the deck, and done some decorating around the house.  It is time consuming and exhausting for me, ever year I say I am not doing it next year, I am not getting a real tree, rather just a tiny artificial one, but every year I do the same thing.  I don't understand why.  After Christmas I have to do it all in reverse.  I have no kids, no one visits, I don't entertain, Brad really doesn't care for Christmas as as he was never brought up to celebrate it or to expect anything for except perhaps a pair of socks. 

So why year after year do I do it?  It actually makes me sad.  Pulling out ornaments, remembering Christmas when I was young.  Pulling out the ornaments that have the dogs pictures in them.  This year will be excruciating, I can't even stand the thought that Tate won't be here, never mind finding his ornaments :( 

It makes me wish that I had found Brad earlier, that we had had kids, the kids would be grown now and bringing over grandchildren, how fun would that be? 

Anyway, just doing some reflecting.  Yes I understand Christmas is about more then the decorations and all the glitz and presents, I know it was the day of Jesus birth, so don't get into that with me. 

I am just trying to figure myself out, and why I even bother .

8 comments:

Dianne SS said...

Oh Jolene--we are so alike!! I finished putting up the decorations and everything yesterday. And I too reflected on the fact thatthere's no one who really cares about this. Dave isn't here much of the time. I think he likes that the decorations are there, but he would never bother on his own. My mom really made Christmas--she did all the shopping, baking, cooking, decorating, wrapping presents--and planned things months in advance. I think I do what I do to honor her and remember the way it was. My dad wasn't much a part of things either though. I was thinking about how Christmas means more if one has kids and then grand kids and I so much wanted that and I feel very sad that there is no one to share this with and pass along the traditions. I hung my mother's stocking and shed some tears--but it wouldn't feel right not to still have her stocking on the fireplace too. I was happy when everything was done, so I guess that counts for something. I can't even begin to imagine your sorrow at not having Tate there this year :( Maybe we should work on having a group Christmas for those of us without family, etc. ((HUGS)) to you my dear friend. xoxo

onecollie said...

I like your idea of having a group of people like us, those who really have no one to celebrate Christmas with.
I agree about caring on traditions, like we got to open 1 present on Christmas Eve, it was always pyjames, and it was so exciting to wear new pj's to bed and then wait for Santa, I loved believing in Santa, I was sad when I found out it wasn't true, :(
I still watch all the kids Christmas shows, remembering being a kid and watching them with my sisters and brother.
Mom always had a Christmas Eve Party, the house was full of laughter and music and we would sit up in our beds and listen to them.
We got up early and mom would let us open 1 present then take it back to bed so they could sleep longer, no doubt due to being hung over from the night before :)
But yes, it is sad isn't it, and like you I will be glad when the tree is up and decorated, I will sit for hours and stare at it, remembering past times, but still with an undertone of sadness.
Hugs back at you dear friend xoxo

Squishy said...

I think we innately are hopeful that the holiday will be good and if we don't do anything it certainly won't be any better. Or, I don't know what I'm saying. Maybe you and Brad need to do something completely different and change things up. I really understand your pain Jolene as I've been there since Pierre died and in other ways, since my mom died...but this year, for the first time in at least 8 years, I am happy to go thru this holiday. I want to be with my boyfriend and his family and I've only met 2 of 6 other siblings. But Bill rings true with me. It's been a long haul. Take care of yourself and don't be too hard on yourself on how you should feel.

manymuddypaws said...

I do it to make myself happy. Like you, I don't have many people over, and no one is going to see it or appreciate it except for me. I find it helps me to find the spirit of the season- and the tree and lights brighten up my house/life.

margaret minetti said...

i felt the same way this year but drug it all out anyway, always feel a little better once its up, but kids are grown and not much into coming home for the holidays. we dont really get each other gifts anymore, just the dogs and a few gifts for friends. i can relate to how u feel.

onecollie said...

Diana I can't even imagine the pain of going through Christmas without Pierre :(
I love Christmas, I really do, just it feels sadder now, then happy
I am excited for you and bill this year!!!
xoxo

onecollie said...

Amanda yes. making myself happy is part of it for sure.
You are lucky , you have kids to celebrate! especially this year with Avery's first Christmas! how fun will that be!!

onecollie said...

yes exactly Margaret, Brad and I just buy a few token gifts for each other to make under the tree look less bare lol